Catherine will be encouraged to date young men of any race, color or creed as long as they treat her well, are responsible members of society and aren’t scared off by the gun that Nathan will be holding the first time he meets them. However, I have developed a list of characteristics that, if he just has one, will make a guy off-limits:

1. His car vibrates from the bass that is cranked up on his stereo. For months I have been pointing out such cars to Catherine and saying, “Not allowed!”

2. He has shaggy hair. I cannot stand this late 70s/early 80s floppy hair that is back in style, with the long locks brushed forward in the face and then sprayed to look just right. Give me a buzz cut over that mess any day.

3. He doesn’t understand the purpose of a belt coupled with well-fitting pants. No boy with the appearance of carrying a load in his drawers shall be permitted to darken our doorstep.

4. He uses the sentence, “Don’t disrespect me!” First of all, disrespect is one of my least favorite words in the English language (right up there with “utilize” and “negativity”). When I taught high school, quite a few of my students told me that I was “disrespecting” them (or they made the same complaint about other teachers) because I called them out for not doing their work or told them to be quiet during class. I always found that charge so amusing.

5. He holds no value for the things he owns because Mommy and Daddy will always buy him a newer and better one if something happens.

6. He refers to people like Kanye West, Christina Aguilera, those boys who wear all of the eyeliner or anyone else who gets heavy rotation on MTV as “artists”.

7. He plans to attend Duke.

8. He considers his “good pair” of flip-flops to be formal attire and he shuffles his feet when wearing said flip-flops (pick up your feet, boy!).

Perhaps these attributes seem shallow … and I concede they may indeed not reach the inner soul and value of these young men. I must be honest, however, and state that the traits above will prevent me from further inspection of the potential suitor’s merits. I send this as a warning to all toddlers who may want to date my daughter in 2021 … now is the time to right yourselves in my eyes!